Tenth Musing - Adulting.

Hello World.

Take a deep breath first. (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

Update-

Your beloved nutcase is an adult now. She joined a college and made friends and memories. She’s still working on being the best version of herself. Some days are rough on her, especially when she inadvertently consumes coffee and is left sleepless, anxious, and jittery. Her procrastination never got any better, in fact, it became worse. She became more emotional in contrast to having decided to develop a thick steel skin. She still tries to overstimulate herself and cry about how her brain is craving increasingly every time non-stop and how multiple thoughts enter and exit her mind unfiltered, and like her old therapist would say “ as if the guard sitting on the wall of your brain, is off duty.” 

Why is she speaking in the third person? I do not know. Update over, back to the verbal diarrhea. 

I’ve realized that the more I tried to be not sensitive, I ended up doing the exact opposite. I have a social energy meter now which decreases rapidly, rendering me unable to engage with anyone. I have begun enjoying the solitude. 

The last line was a lie. Though I enjoy my personal me time, staying alone away from the chaos which I love about Mumbai, has made me grow into an incredibly lonely person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not alone most of the time of the day, admirable company surrounds me, almost all the time. But sometimes, addressing people, in general, becomes so stressful that I immediately retreat. Earlier I would wait for my official day to get over to relax and charge my battery. But now, it happens during the middle of the day, which could be anytime. 

I also am fed up with the mediocrity I am exhibiting every day. I could, partially blame this mediocrity on my procrastination but. Let’s just leave that at but. I’ve realized that all stimulant craving one day wonder kids are the least disciplined kids (me) not in the sense of behavior but can be observed to be some of the most unmanageable, intolerable, unreliable persons. I reckon most of gen z is comprised of such individuals, while they’re not bad people, they’re just really going to have to work much harder than a normal kid. 

I caught myself getting angry over simplicity. I kept craving blind sophistication or a higher-order thinking capacity so much that I lost sight of who I was, as a person. If I must explain this to the average Joe, I mean to say that I fell in love with overcomplicating quite simple things, simply because I can, and my brain has unemployed wasteful neurons ready to engage in every useless garbage thought I have. I’m not saying sophistication and niche are terrible things. It’s just, life doesn’t have to be, so complicated you know. This could be counter-questioned with a “What do you know about life yet you 18-year-old living in a princess bubble spoilt brat?” Agreed. Won’t argue. 

I’ve stopped searching for a purpose. That doesn’t mean I wish to live in the “will see when the day comes" or the "living to each day mentality". I do have future endeavors, but I’ve stopped questioning and nagging myself every day as to why am I, I? Or who am I. I’ve become a silly little prick who just wakes up and chooses violence. I think I’ve become better as a human being. Or at least, grasping the essence of being human. I have realized I indeed do look better when I’m smiling, people can sense when I’m sad (I’m not THAT good of an actor yet to be able to hide my emotions, but a good enough one to be able to express them.) 

Do I look nice physically? Is there any appeal? I don't really think that I am doing the most I can to be a better human being, but I think I should take it slow and easy, not to get burnt out ya know? (I would know.)

I smiled when I saw an old man read the news through a magnifying glass, when a random stranger complimented me; when kids were playing a board game at the railway platform (I reckon that was some sort of gambling though honestly) when a kitten was acting silly; and when the guard wished me goodnight. I also get a little remorseful, as life sometimes can get so fast-paced, one does not get the time to stand still and observe. Even time does not get to stand still. I'll shut up in sometime bear with me.

I have even lost the will to debate for the sake of it. I only engage in a conversation of counterarguments if I’m truly passionate about it, which of late, is less. Could take politics as an example. When you’re young and fresh into the propaganda machinery, you do want to churn out in an extremist way; moderate if you’re kind enough to yourself. But after it all, you realize how filthy all of it is. Then you’re presented with a choice, do you continue, or do you shut up? I chose the latter. I respect the individuals who choose the former. They have the guts and energy that I don’t anymore. This nutcase feels a bit older, yet none wiser. 

I tried churning out poems as a quicker means to vent out my emotions than having to write an entire blog entry about it (yes, I was actively avoiding this), but when I read it, it was the most mind-numbing depressing, low-quality rubbish which made third person-me feel concerned for the poet me. (Poet me? Poet? ) One needn't find meaning in every damn thing. Feels a tad spiteful sometimes. Why does one crave to find the reasoning behind everything? With awareness, comes all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But who am I to tell this to you? Go be your own playwright. Find meaning in the stagnant puddles on the road which somehow painfully resemble a phase in life, the state of being still until havoc is wreaked upon. It could make a child's day by being their splashy buddy or, can be a simple nuisance to commuters and bureaucrats alike. Find meaning in that window with the dim lights on; every window tells a story, imagine what goes on in the lives of those people on the other side of that window. Go test your limits of thinking. When you have achieved that, you will feel a sense of happiness, yet a tinge of sadness. Imagination is a means of facilitating the art of escapism. How imaginative one yearns to be, is indicative of how much they wish to escape reality. My, my look at me. Sigh. Wannabe average 'psychology Says' reels Freud vomit. 

I just realized most of the paragraphs present the exact opposite narrative than the previous one. Such are the affairs of my mind. Or not. Maybe it is a neurological exercise. Yes, that seems more rational. I need to engage my neural pathways. Or not. Maybe, this is called overthinking. Anyway, thank you for continuing to read my mental dioramas, I will continue posting about silly little crushes, events of my day, and how much I am growing as a person; :) xx

To end this entry of mine, quoting the lines from the famous Eagles song, which is not at all related to this post of mine (or it is, if you think deeply enough about it),

" We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further, on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.

Ninth Musing- I'm Still Thinking.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath firstly.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

It's a good thing I didn't go ahead with my plan of shutting down my bloggu. I thought that I am in a happier state of mind now, and you all know this was just a means for me to vent off, or show off my (limited) knowledge in a non-bragging way. But off-late, I cannot come out of vicious mental cycles, some out of control, some purposefully being deployed to torture myself. The fact that I keep thinking that maybe I am meant for greater things, that I have a 'purpose' perhaps some soulmate or a twin flame in some corner of the globe  ( or outside the globe ;-) ), that I am a bit more aware than other people, has only resulted in me going through several purgatory experiences. I am becoming weaker, physically, mentally, and perhaps, spiritually as well. I feel exhausted all the time and seldom do I engage in activities. I realize at this point I'm just vomiting a summary of my entire blog's content but hear me out. 

I did go to a swag party. I had tons and tons and tons of fun. We ate, we danced, we all connected. Every part of my body ached for days because of that freakshow dancing I did. No one seemed to care who was dancing how. We all just kept bouncing off to the music and the lights. Oh, the lights. I think I had more fun there than I would ever in a club. 

But I still feel empty. 

I keep catching myself asking the same question repeatedly, why am I living and how is one supposed to live?

How is one supposed to live? How is one supposed to control factors which they cannot? How do I know what I don't know? How do I know why am I like this?

I feel so old most of the time. So old. It doesn't help that my birthday is in a few days. I am not against aging. But I feel way older than I feel I should. I don't like it. It's not even that I feel like a young adult. I feel like an old woman already in her 60s. Sometimes I can tap back into my playful cherubic mode, but most of the time, I am just thinking. 

Thinking about what? Well many things. Sometimes about how we all know that our current living styles damage the environment and we are just, well. Sometimes it's about money. Perhaps so and so equity would fetch me more money, perhaps that fund will give me good returns on a lesser expense ratio. Why are we paying so much tax on insurance when basically they just return you the assured sum after a long time? What about inflation? Why do we spend on unnecessary things? Sometimes it is about my health. I can't blame the pandemic, because I am responsible for my health right? I feel so exhausted when I wake up, I feel unfulfilled when I am sleeping, I feel aimless when I am awake and I feel as if I am trying to please someone. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes I worry about people I care for. I just need to keep my brain going on, and on. I need it to keep working. It has slacked off enough. 

I try. It is not that I don't. I try so hard to stay happy. I try to laugh, in fact sometimes when I am crying I do what Captain Holt said '' According to a recent study, the physical act of smiling can improve your mood. '' It's like, am I the only one who is feeling emotions on such an extreme level? What do I know about the extremity of emotions? Perhaps everyone goes through the same, feels the same, just they happen to be stronger than me in coping?

Every day, it's just, so hard. So hard to get out of bed, so hard to do my daily things, so hard to just interact with someone. Everyone keeps telling me that Scorpios are the biggest fighter cocks on this planet, but I don't want to. Maybe I am not a fighter. Maybe I am a bad orator, an even worse debater. Maybe I am not verbose, and maybe I don't possess the ability to think intellectually. Maybe I have a huge ego that needs constant external validation, which, is currently starved off, since I haven't been doing praiseworthy work. I was reading a book touching on the life and death issue, a light-hearted one. 

I keep, trying to get the reward first, and not do my job. I keep getting jealous and sulky of kids who get their reward and do their job. I am unable to be happy for anyone. I keep somehow getting into all sorts of arguments. Some part of my body is always sleeping, it's difficult for me to walk sometimes. ( I googled the condition its apparently called a Charley Horse, quite a cute name for something so painful and tortuous.) Sometimes, I just fall towards one side and balance myself on the wall, thinking. 

Am I in a movie? Am I an actress? Should I be an actress?

After having failed in a house conflict, I was staring outside the window and I saw a little girl, lying on the slide in the playground. Just lying aimlessly, staring at the sky, and making her hands in such a gesture as if she was clicking photos of the sky. I was jealous, I won't hide. I am just going to blame my surge of emotional crises on the Scorpio season. ( yes because it is easier to blame my problems on things that cannot be held accountable.)

Everything makes me sad. Everyone makes me sad. Everything seems boring. I was sent to an ' Anger Management Workshop' in third grade, from which the only thing I remember is that the sandwiches were yummy and that the juice needed more sugar. 

I saw a social media story about a kid playing with a dog, a cute Shih Tzu, I was jealous. 

I am unable to enjoy the joys of life. I seem to be lost and aloof during merrymaking, and seem to be longing for some when I watch others do so. I don't know how to make myself happy.

I seem to be thinking a lot, but I don't seem to be thinking straight. 

When I try to detach from people, I am branded as a selfish person. When I fail to detach, I am labeled as obsessed. Could be true.

Today, I looked myself in the mirror and sang Madonna's ''Crazy For you''

'' ...........And I know its true, I'm crazy crazy crazy for youuuuuu.''

It made me happy for some time. And then I went back to my mundane life. It's like I'm temporarily happy for some time. My perennial state of mind is sadness. It's like I don't know how to remain happy. 

I could say making pancakes without anyone's help could be an achievement. 

Oh, and I FLEW SOLO from Goa to Mumbai. This nutcase is a big girl now.<3

Here, learning time-

'' When you fail, people won't ask your reasons. They will look at the failure, sigh, and move on. The failure only stays with you. ''

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further, on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.

Eighth Musing- To be or, to not be?

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath first.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

Oh, no matter how many times I think about this and come to a solution, it is always in vain. 
I am talking about this monster- Putting yourself in someone else's shoes aka mindfulness, thinking from the other perspective. 

Even while writing this entry my mind is filled with arguments, oppositions, counter oppositions, and so on. Wait, isn't this what they call overthinking? Where does the boundary of thinking carefully and meticulously end and the one of overthinking begin?

I was talking to my sir about how futile these online PTMs are. It is just an allotted time where teachers tell the students what they already know- they need to study. The parent complains that my ward doesn't study at all, watches the screen, and sleeps all day.  (Definitely not my mom in front of my teachers and non-teaching faculty.) The teacher at this point will try to either coax the student, or try to find out what the hindrance is, which most of the time the student is already aware of, or the teacher will be stern and warn the student about ruining their future if they continue this habit. Fine. 

Might have an impact on the student. The student will ask the teacher how to study. The teacher will say to read the textbook, solve the workbooks provided, and keep revising. The reason I find this parent-teacher interaction thing futile is that I believe it's more of a ''parent venting their frustration about their ward's dedication towards their education to the helpless teachers.''

The teachers, parents, and students, all three already know what the solution is- the kid needs to open the book and start.

My mom sternly said, '' All your friends will become doctors, you keep reading chats. '' 

My sir began laughing and said this is an excellent quality of mine, being able to understand what the other person must be feeling or going through. I am absolutely against this. I have the opinion that perhaps I practiced the ''view-counterview'' a bit more than necessary. 

Let me give you some examples. 

1) I want to celebrate my birthday. 

View- Should ask parents for money or throw a wild party along with friends. I'll ask for a new phone, some new trendy clothes, pamper myself (gaming arcade or massage spa you get the flow, right?), or order takeout food.

Counterview- Should not ask for money or throw a wild party with friends because it is my parents' hard-earned money that can be a part of funding my education or further some indirect investments like mutual fund investments, savings, or future purchases. A party with friends can be done once I earn my own money. (I will not do it even then I really don't know. ) Also, I have anxiety about wearing party clothes because I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. (Knowing that wearing fun and chic clothes makes me uncomfortable because it makes me feel unsafe, triggers and angers me equally. ) My phone works simply fine, and as Mumma rightly says, the role of a phone should be for calling (safety)purposes. I don't need a new phone. Why buy clothes, my cupboards can barely contain the clothes I already have. (Yet, I never have any clothes to wear.) It is not the age to pamper myself, in fact, I must exhaust myself by developing my mind and body (by exercising). I do not need expensive make-up (I don't know how to apply make-up, so not wearing make-up is better than looking like a clown.) Do I really want to celebrate my years of existence by eating junk food and ruining my health? Is that necessary? It's a waste of money I can make (ask Nani to make) delicious dosas and other foods I like. If we were to go out, then Mumma would have to take some time off her work, and though she will get paid leaves, it will result in her missing her work. Perhaps she will lose an edge in the employee promotion rat race. I don't want that to happen. 

2) I want to meet XYZ friend.

View- It's been a long time since we met. I miss my friend. I want to spend some time with my friend. People need to remember about my existence, and I need to be social. I need to have some friends. 

Counterview- It doesn't matter if I am not social at this age. What matters at this age is to dedicate myself to achieving enough to be eligible for my future career interests. Socializing is a distraction, a waste of time and money. You can be in touch with that friend on social media too. You have all the time for friends when you are grown up and settled. The XYZ friend must be having commitments of their own. I could have been studying the time I would be spending to meet this friend. 

3) I want to participate in XYZ competition/exam.

View- It will look good in my list of achievements. If I work hard enough, I might get a prize. It will be an effective way of testing my knowledge.

Counterview- having a good list of achievements won't really mean anything to colleges unless I were to apply abroad, and if I really were to pursue medicine then again, these achievements would not mean anything. Most exams and competitions need fees to be paid, so again parents' money is involved, if I don't win, then it would be a waste. I know it would be because I see my medals rusting in a corner no one can see. They are in deplorable condition. Most of the exams will require time investment in terms of preparation, which means I won't be able to study my syllabus. 

4) I want to buy cup noodles. 

View- It is delicious. I like it. It is quite addicting.

Counterview- It is made of all-purpose flour, it is not at all healthy, there are added preservatives to keep the dry vegetables edible. It makes me gain weight (temporarily), and it makes my health conditions worse. It contains vast amounts of salts, spices, and kansui (the thing which makes it so addictive), MSG. Also, it is expensive. They raised the prices of Nissin Cup noodles, meaning I will lean towards ordering off Amazon at a discounted price, meaning more purchases, leading to indirectly more money-spending. 

Do you understand my situation?

If you have noticed, I am strongly cheap, cheap to such an extent that even Mumma gets angry. 

They always teach you to think about how the other person is feeling, to understand their side of the story, to give them the benefit of the doubt, to be empathetic, and have a tolerant understanding of different views of a particular topic of discussion.

I, beg to differ. I think that with such massive thinking going on, your poor brain will end up without making any decision, and will leave it for later, (This leads to my conclusion that most overthinkers are colossal procrastinators as well.) Be confused. I'm not saying the following is true, but people do consider people without opinions as weak and ignorant. 

If you want to understand what I am talking about, go to any politically active person's social media, or ask anyone who used/uses social media to express their political opinions. There are always extremists, moderates, dormant persons, the confused persons' category, and then the ones who don't really do anything.

So go ahead, champion, assert your bold dominance.

Have you learned a new thing here?

If not, here's a quote to make your time here worthwhile. 

" Calm down.''

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further, on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.

Seventh Musing- A Nutcase's Guide to the New Normal.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath first.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

I need to stop sleeping during the day and sleeping late at night. It's so scary here at night I must tell you, not for the faint-hearted (like me). I'm currently living in a not-so-urban part of Goa right now, urban enough to have malls and eateries (You can order from Zomato here, but it is a challenge, truth be told. It's better to go to a good restaurant and eat.), but rural enough for its roads to look like 'the roads not(to be)taken' ( ha-ha, cracked a literary joke there, did you get it?) or better, the ones straight out of a horror movie, where you know you are NOT supposed to choose that road, but the protagonist is foolish enough to choose that road because they will reach their destination (the final one, yeah.) faster. 

GUYS AND GALS AND MY NON-BINARY PALS, ITS SEPTEMBER ALREADY?

I am still stuck in March 2020. I know it sounds extremely cliché, but I cannot find any accountability for these two years! (As if I have a dedicated ledger dictating every movement of mine for the past 16 years.) I mean I could make an excuse for my raison d'etre till my school life as schooling. Now that I have finished my schooling, I wonder if this rigid system should be compulsory? 

Kids get homeschooled, although I doubt how would they compete with their academic counterparts who have attended school. Now, I am not here to tell you to not send your kids/future kids to school, because you have a whole bunch of people dedicated to fighting against all odds and ensuring every kid gets to go to school. 
I've been seeing the news a lot, it is hard not to when there's so much going around the world, countries reversing democracy, disasters, natural calamities, distrust in governments, war over resources, protests, trafficking, and whatnot. 

It's like we are making progress, just backward. I don't feel nice as I list these things. I feel sad. Wait let me put aside this sadness or I'll begin crying like a baby and will not finish this entry.

Let's just, move on to not-so-important things yes?

OU I JUST REMEMBERED. I want to tell you guys all about living here!            

This place is like my second home (3rd or 4th technically since school is supposed to be your second, I guess, and my native place isn't Goa) So let me tell you how a usual Goan day for me is!

anytime- wake up

before 12pm- breakfast or else Mumma will be angry

 anytime- shower, or don't, it is not sweaty here, though you might want to shower for obvious hygiene reasons.

1pm to 2pm-ish- lunch usually depends on my classes. (Yes, I attend them, you clowns.)

usually 4pm to 8pm-sleep

sharp 8pm- tell Appa how the day went (my father, of course being disappointed that I'm not hoisting flags on the moon during the day. )

8 to 9pm- dinner time/news time/Netflix tv time. 
9pm onwards- social recluse time, return to your chambers and study (doing whatever you want) 

During this entire period, my sister is still in her room. Mostly drawing, finishing her assignments, sketching, you know all that artistic stuff. 

Okay, let me just tell you everything I can about coming here.

Arrival- Flights or train, whichever rows your boat. I did experience the perils of not being punctual when we were to board the train and we reached the platform 4 minutes before the departure. It was a touch-and-go moment honestly. I have run marathons, short distances, and all but I've never run with such fear. (Okay once, when 2 big black doggies were chasing me, one of the phobias I have inherited from mother dearest. I like dogs but I am an itty bit scared of them. Like when they scare you or come and lick you or something unexpectedly or chew your hair.)

just heard a weird sound in the hall. It's 3 am-ish. 

Swear to God that font changed on its own. This site is funny.
(Changes my wallpaper to hanuman ji and plays Hanuman Chalisa on loop.)

I like the flight journeys though, faster, and less tiring than train ones. If you wish to see stewards, I would suggest SpiceJet (wink, please don't judge me for this.), but mom usually prefers Indigo. The Goa airport is nice, but none beats the one we have in Mumbai, I swear. It's so beautiful I do not wish to exit it at all. Oh, I do remember forgetting my Aadhar card (identity proof) at home and after last-minute scrambling, remembered I had an image of it on my phone. 

You will need to do your COVID tests for both ways of transportation, the scary nose, and throat swab. No matter how many times I go through it, it never gets normalized for me. It's like those vaccination days where you go in the clinic all high and mighty, thinking it is just a needle, but the moment you see the doctor flicking the needle ( preparing the shot, imagine hitting a carrom striker) you become an athlete and run around the whole clinic and at last, they manage to grab you and, in goes the syringe.

For trains, only certain states require it, Goa did, so we had to do it. By flights, there is no exclusion for any state, and I still had to get it done for all the places I went. (Not many, just my native and Goa.) 

Just ensure you have double/triple-checked all your documents and you should be good to go. Please for god's sake, leave your house early. Being early is certainly better than running in tears. Also, please wear a mask. I have seen people slinging it on their arms as if it's a sling bag. 
Oh, funny story interruption- 
A person and I were walking on the road, and this person had their mask dangling from their bag. I got agitated and requested them to wear it. They said '' It's okay, nothing is wrong here.'' To which, I gave a very prompt reply being ''Can you see the virus?'' Result- it qualified as good wit and the person agreed to wear the mask.

I've been back answered with all sorts of replies from'' I feel breathless'' to '' It makes my glasses foggy''. I have also seen people say things like ''It will ruin my lipstick'' and '' God created us, it will be His will if he wants to kill us.''
Yes, let us just leave it at that.

Transport once you are in Goa- Most good hotels can arrange for your pickups and drop-offs. But auto is really really really really expensive I kid you not. I once got charged one hundred rupees for 3kms. (He asked for two hundred but luckily enough my mom can speak fluent Konkani) Drawing comparison to Mumbai, the same distance would have cost me 40-50 and the worst would be sixty rupees with heavy traffic in the mix. You better hire a car for the entire day. Thanks to Covid, you will meet dozens of drivers just asking you upfront if you need a car. The economy is picking up, but it is bad here. 

Okay, my door began making weird knocking noises, so I switched on the lights, locked the door, and showed the finger through the keyhole. Asserting my dominance pfft. Okay, it happened again, I am keeping the lights on. Energy conservation champions I am sorry but spare me this one night. I have been getting a good number of bad dreams here.

Food- If you are adventurous, try the Goan thalis (don't order an individual plate. learn to share and not waste your food) If you're a vegetarian you may have a challenging time finding variety, but for non-vegetarians, the ocean is the limit! Also, a small tip, do ask if a certain dish has meat cuts you do not eat (as beef and pork and other cuts are common here). Try searching for restaurants that have live singing! The people who sing here are the sweetest people ever and they take requests and somehow, they know all the songs. Such talented people, I tell you. But some restaurants close early/ open late so do check the timings! Also, enquire before entering if the place is pet-friendly/ smoking allowed. 

Since the places are losing out on business, they're becoming laid back with their restrictions. I went to a beach shack, and it was so hard to eat my food with all the heavy smoke. I don't mind doggies, but this one cute Shih Tzu came with a lady and all the 5-6 big dogs ganged up on that dog. (or were being friendly, I don't know dog language woof woof.) The dogs were okay, the smoking was pressing my buttons.

 Also, you get vada pav here, so relax. 

A general thing- It's okay to pack your leftover food. No one will judge you or think you are cheap for doing it. Get rid of such a mindset, for real. 

I have a question- If you saw a cute person in a restaurant would you approach them/ write on a tissue and pass it to them for a picture together? 
Never mind.

Traveling- North has more touristy places, the South has more beaches, and the middle has, well the railway station, I guess? Most tourist things are closed, but some casinos are open. Do check the timings beforehand. For example, the Bom Jesus basilica closes by 4pm and there is also a requirement for your attire to be modest. Even if you do go late and don't get to enter, don't be disheartened, there's always this old man outside who will tell you all the stories about St. Xavier and the being of the place. If you're lucky you will get to see the photos as well! 

Clothes- wear whatever you very well damn please to do so. (not where there is restriction like I mentioned above though. ) I did see a woman wearing a woolen black sweater on the beach, but okay I am not judging her. 

Shopping- Things here are golly well expensive I must tell you that. Don't pay any more than 140 rupees (2 USD ish?) for hair braiding on the beach. Prices may be higher, but that is probably because of Covid. Then again, decide where to be generous and where to be a miser, it is your money. Do buy cashews but check them properly. I have seen a few people being cheated. I don't know much about alcohol shopping, but the Northside has more shops. You'll find cute accessories shops near the beach. The shopkeepers here can speak Russian and other languages as well! 
I got a temporary cool scorpion tattoo. I was against getting tatted all my life but, just maybe when I grow up, I might get a small scorpion or a puzzling tattoo. 

Water- Sad news, you don't get BMC water here. Opt for bottled sweet water. (You get saline ones too.)

clubbing- I have seen a few clubs open, usually after 8 pm, but I honestly do not have much information on these as 1) I am a minor, so no clubbing for me. 2) Haven't seen many clubs open. 

I think I have covered everything, haven't I?

Back to my life now. 
I have been re-exploring things around, in my personal life. Both in terms of self and career growth. A lot of releasing things/people who do not serve to help my purpose of being anymore. I found a frog on the road while walking to the grocery store. I am hopeful that I will be able to get some message from my spirit guide (yes I believe in spirituality, but my spirit guide is on hiatus as of now.) I should do a separate entry on all I know about the spiritualism topic! 

I also realized I felt quite empty. Things that were supposed to make me happy weren't making me. For example, going to a restaurant. But when someone else would go to the same restaurant and post about it on their story, I would get jealous? For what? 

I found out that staring at the mirror makes me happy. I looked at myself and I said ''Oh what a cutie, but wait why am I looking like a monkey, ki ki ki.'' and then replied '' But no monkey has such pretty hair and pretty looks like you do girl.'' So now every time I look at myself in the mirror I giggle. Hehe.

I did not really realize August is over until I remembered that August end was the last date for the US troops to withdraw from Afghan soil. I won't spill political opinions, it's troubled times. One of my nightmares had a similar theme, which still didn't stop me from watching the news. 

Anyway, I hope this entry of mine helps you travel safely or has helped you change your thinking in some aspect. I think I will end this entry here.

Goan government, please sponsor me. Thank you. 

Ah, I wish this world were a utopia. I can make it one. Silly me. 

Here's a quote to end it for this day-

''Care   for yourself and the universe and everything in between.''

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word, or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further, on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.

Sixth Musing- Panic! At The Top of my Head.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath first.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

I have absolutely no clue why I write this blog. To show that I'm alive, sort of. This is one of those things I'm going to laugh at looking back 10 years from now. I was cleaning my shelf and found this letter which I wrote to my future (current) self, meaning the nutcase after her 10th boards. The letter had the contents written -

" To the girl who has scored 98% (yes cool, I scored the reverse, 89.6),

I hope everyone is happy with the marks you have achieved and have made Mother proud. When nosy relatives and batchmates will ask about your scores you can proudly show off your mark sheet. You will be celebrating and finally, be able to do the things you've always wanted to do. (Not sure what that is though.) 

Lots of love, 

Nutcase(Pre-boards. ) "

Fun fact time? I don't even remember writing this letter.

I very well remember writing my stupid will though. Yes, the will you write when you're to die and you decide who is going to get what. As I write this, I am embarrassed as well as amused. I threw the letter and the will in the trash. 

Honestly, I'm flustered right now. 

A lot of lessons come through, none being concrete yet important. Growing up is so scary. I realized I value privacy more than I thought I did, so I dropped plans of monetizing this blog. (Hear that you corporate slaves?! I am not one of y'all :P) Decided to keep this as a small thing, something to be cherished later. 

Dramatizing emotions isn't as easy as you all take it to be. Just a few moments back I went to the window to see the sky and search for a star or the moon, but I could find neither. I didn't have my glasses on, so I was just staring at the sky like a blind bat. I got bored and wanted music but then that would've woken everyone up because I cannot use headphones or earphones. (Thank you, online classes, such a boon.) So, then I dropped my plans of staring at the sky and carefully tip-toed my way out. 

Kell's "why are you here" plays on a loop on my laptop as I write this entry of mine in darkness. (It's a good thing I am well-versed with the placement of the keys, unfortunately, I was dumb enough to assume my laptop would have a backlit keyboard in-built and I paid good money for this, so anyway. )

Life isn't all good, but certainly better than the stagnancy I was in sometime back. I still am stagnant, but my feet can wiggle a bit in the mud I'm stuck in. Ah, I wish I had unbelievable luck. Like I would fall in a ditch and stumble upon money? Or bananas? 

WHY DO BANANAS SOUND LIKE THE BETTER ALTERNATIVE.

  A few days back I was just drained to do any work, so I just did what I do best- sleep. 

So, I igloo-ed myself in my rug and was staring out the window. Again, I did not have my glasses on. I could make out a squirrel jumping on a tree. It was nibbling a leaf. So, I ignored my plans to sleep and decided to seriously observe the squirrel. 

Don't squirrels eat nuts? What was it doing nibbling leaves? Never mind (does a quick Google search to find out what squirrels eat)

I was going to write poetry in this entry, but then someone suggested that it could be monetized, not sure if I am a fan of that idea, no one would read my poetry, but since you came here to waste your time, can I entertain you with a few lines? 

A vegetable fell
and suffered a bruise.
Thrown in the trash,
not to be used.

Innocence is pure,
Morals are invaluable,
Spat the man on the street
Ignorance was the cure.

Okay, this is enough, it's just a huge compilation of random stanzas and I'm too lazy to put trigger warnings and what all might trigger you all, so I won't put the rest of the stanzas here. 

Can I ask you a question? Do you know how to live life? I am quite sure I must have missed some class where they would have taught stuff like this. Okay, ignore, being immature right now.

Currently, I have SO MUCH to do and catch up on in studies and upcoming exams, and here I am, writing on a page no one would read except me and my future kids (to mock me of course.) This doesn't stop me from obsessively combing my swag hair into order, the only thing in order in my life now. (self-depreciation jokes master here folks.) I read somewhere that confidence is hot.

Should I just delete all social media? But. I am conflicted as of now, I and multiple versions of Nutcases will sit down and do a round table conference on this. It's not that I am alone. Okay a lot of self-introspection and thinking to be done, which I will do privately. I'll keep this entry small since my hands are really paining from the arm workout I did today. It does make sense, I am not at all disciplined, I don't go (usually not allowed to, and when allowed to, I outright refuse) out much, and even when I was a fitness freak, I did not really focus on my arms, I did not want to bulk up because then my shirts would not fit me. (please insert a crying clown face here) 

Do y'all love me? 

I am not a cool kid. 

Wait hold on, before I sign off, you should leave this page having learned something new. 

Find a balance, I was told. Still trying to figure it out. One day at a time, one day at a time. 

Here's a quote to end it for this day-

''Everyone is meant to live a different life.'' (Sad writing this, since I could live like the KarJenners if this were not true :(( )

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word, or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.

Fifth Musing- Recent Reflections Within.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath firstly.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

As I was solving my never-ending MCQ monster test, the site crashed. This gave me a quick moment to get distracted by the two snails slugging away in the soil of my plant pot. Treading their slimy path slowly, without a care in the world, without the relevance of time, with their main aim probably being making more snail babies or eating more leaves. Simple lives, simple aims and simple easy deaths as well. Later on at night, I ate some noodles while looking at the sky intently trying to find a star, which I could not, and sat near my window-sill as the rain poured as the snails continued slugging away.

My mind keeps hula hooping between jealousy and gratitude, for as I am jealous of their lives, I am grateful for having the power to carve my own destiny ( which at the moment I don't think currently I'm doing a great job at, but I trust the Universe will ensure I end up doing something good. :))

There are a few changes I've made in my life, which each time I enact, I have to consciously remind myself- I have one life. What's the worst that could happen? The person will write a hateful reply, the teacher will scold you, your mom will not allow you to go to that friend's house, your friends will ignore you, you know the flow and what I mean.

I have become quite the champion and go-to kid for people who want to ask questions that might jump in the risky category.

Wait hold-on, my point is, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, I guess.

My newest obsession has been to be a better version of myself, and somehow I hope that will help me study better. Do you know what 'That girl' is? I think its a less targeted version of a VSCO girl, only difference is maybe you don't do every single thing for the gram.

I am not alien to veganism, but I've always admired and been fascinated by them. For most of those who know me, I've always been a preaching/rant machine about vegetarianism ( I think veganism is an extreme step because you would have to buy costlier alternatives and you can't have your whim and fancies when you're living under your parents roof :3) I did somehow manage to be a vegetarian for a year. Pandemic made it easier to remain one, since for a good amount of time my mom was scared to order anything from outside. 

I failed later on, got me some barbecue chicken :(, but I am actively trying my best. I have this 'I-want-to-keep-my-body-clean' goal in my head, yet that doesn't stop me from eating noodles at odd hours of the day. I do tune into Radhi's videos on YouTube occasionally, I may not be able to follow what she says but she is just. so. lovable. She radiates like a bright sun and just seeing her makes me happy. 
I have begun this practice this habit of complimenting people only when I truly mean it. I wish my words to carry weight and I want to say things like 100 percent meaning them. 

I've also been trying to erase my existence digitally but then someone wise once told me something, I do not remember the exact words but it was similar to moderation is the key. I was also told a lot that I do not credit myself enough, appreciate myself, or really downplay myself. I realized there is a difference in degrading your self-worth and being humbly down to earth. I did not understand when the lines between the two starkly effective concepts blurred.

I haven't had a glow-up, improvement or new change in a year and now that scares me. I know it is all in my hands, but I feel like the person who is standing with one foot in a different boat. I did, get a really swag haircut, which the moment I got it, went like '' why did I not get this sooner?", "where had this haircut been for the rest of my life!'' I did have this small craving of getting tattoos and long manicured nails with cute nail polish, but then I realized they aren't what I truly wanted, it was just something kids my age are doing. They look nice in them. I don't think I could ever keep my nails so long, I mean how can you study, wash your hair without breaking it, do your dishes or hang your clothes to dry, or do literally anything else with such long nails? It looks nice on them, but the upkeep must surely be draining. The cost of getting them done would be a lot. Those tongue and belly button piercings really scare me. Imagine eating with that tongue. Tattoos must be so painful! I've been drilled with the idea that hair color will damage my hair, this may be true as I have seen a lot of people who have colored their hair end up damaging it. I would still like to try it one day though. I have one life. Maybe a bold crazy color once I grow up. 

Pretty ironic considering how much I am fearful of the fact that I grow old as each second passes. I was pointed out that I am ruining my present, fearing my future and carrying my prejudices from the past. Then again, I'm faring better than most people in life right? Should that suffice though? 

I started meditating. Those on my Snapchat close friends list, know the struggle :'')

I gave up after a week, my hyperactive self could not tolerate sitting in a single spot for more than 5 minutes. I learnt a lot of things, even sitting properly and focusing on my breathing were difficult for me and I would think literally the most useless things on the face of this planet. 

I am not able to answer when anyone asks me a question about myself. I feel no psychometric test or personality test will be able to tell me what I am, ( though the Sorting Hat gives me Slytherin all the time) because I do not know myself. I think the easiest way to put it in words is that I am constantly changing. I do not wish to be recognized as an introvert or an extrovert. Ambivert could vaguely describe me though. I think I really buy the ''don't label things'' ideology sometimes. Of course, only when it suits my agenda and benefits me:) I have tried identifying my gender and sexual orientation as well having poked around asexuality, bisexuality and gender fluidity. I am a bit unclear on the progressive nature of gender fluidity, but its a work in progress. As of now I am comfortable as a she/her :3

A small discussion in my class about color inferiority was enough to remind me of my days when I would empty tubes and tubes of the now (finally) criticized skin  whitening tubes. They never really worked in my opinion. A compact powder did a better job at whitening me for an event than those tubes ever did. Again here, the lines between glowing clear skin and white skin had been blurred. I am very thankful that I don't have to face color slurs anymore. Not that they bother me, but sometimes I do wonder why did I, or anyone for a matter of fact had to go through that. Why was even that something to be shamed upon?

 I'm not trying to convert this blog into a snowflake activism movement but still if you look at it, the whole thing seems so silly, yet it was so influential on our minds. I do get a few gentle reminders now and then that brown color is inferior, but I brush them aside. 

I was speaking to someone personally close and it turned into a, let's say, bragging war. I began my list by stating the things I could do and sneered at the person by asking if they could do all this, they just bluntly replied with a '' at least I am fairer than you are.'' comment. I was quite baffled by this comment, and at that moment it felt like a smack on my face as that person was quite active on social media in the activism sector, promoting discussions about seemingly taboo topics or initiating projects on mental health and awareness and yet had the narrow mindedness to try to make me feel inferior by telling these things at my face. After analyzing the situation I understood how deeply rooted these things are in our psyches. Worse things happen, is what I say, laugh it off and move on.  

I realized I'm commitment phobic, and have sabotaging tendencies. Therefore, to all the boys whom I crushed upon, thankyou for not giving me my shot. I would have been in a worse place, had my foolish immaturity been reciprocated. Let us think that God used you all for my character development. For now I shall work upon myself, learn to love myself, also more importantly, make notes and study for my tests. In my quest to experience 'kicks and highs' (I did not do drugs or indulge in any vices) I forgot what peace of mind and my priorities were. I have also given up arguing on social media, or arguing in general. ( I'm not sure about MUNs, I mean I love them but I am scared of them, and nowadays the person who can scream the most wins. However, I will not deny that I've enjoyed some.)

I sometimes wonder why is it so easy for me to become so negative, and to a point, if I may, toxic, that it begins to affect my daily life? I am going to put my foot down this time and weed all 'em out. Huff puff :/ Okay I realize the maturity level in my posts has been declining, but then again I never took myself seriously so why should you? ( bad joke, been cracking them a lot.)

Am I becoming repetitive? It is possible since I had a bad writer's block. ( look at me, casually calling myself a writer.) 

Small realization: I may end up running out of things to talk about :(

I apologize if you did not learn anything new from this entry of mine, as I have always felt the need that you should learn something from everything, even though I describe this blog as something to be read when you have nothing else to do, describing it as a pass time reading material. 

Here's a quote to end it for this day-

"If you worry and think what others will think, what will the others think then?''

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelt word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.