Hello World.
Take a deep breath firstly. (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)
First of all, Happy New Year to all you sweetpeas! :)
I Missed you all a lot <3
First post of this year, I'm glad I did not give this up easily. It might be a good year afterall.
I was thinking of a word to describe how I feel these days and I was sure that I knew the word but I wasn't able to quite recollect it. I began stressing over many things- my grammar was becoming less grandiose as the day passed, I began tolerating the grammar mistakes everyone made, I was depending on autocorrect and computerised grammar checkers to make sure my verbatim was flawless, I had begun misspelling words. I was also lamenting about my english gold medals gathering rust in the cupboard. ''What a waste.'',I thought. No, I do not prefer the Tharoor english necessarily, but it wouldn't really kill you to take note of your language once in a while though. Once this train of regretting and stressing began accelerating, I began worrying about all sorts of things.-
1)My backlogs of online class and tests- I'm really behind most of my classmates and online class JUST isn't for me. I think that maybe because I am struggling in class, my interest dies. Once the interest dies, it's all donkey work then. You have to word vomit the knowledge in the exams. I think this is that swim or sink phase for me. I just have to work harder than I did in school. Look at that positive spin I gave to a rather gloomy problem huh :)
2)The expectations- I think I might have done good things to have people expect things out of me but while that makes me feel proud of my achievements and capabilities, it scares me to my core when I think about failure. I spent an unhealthy amount of time on Quora these few weeks where I would read about how determined students shone through the tough entrance exams with their hardwork and dedication in their later attempts. I cannot imagine how daunting it must be. It is now up to me whether I let this burden get the best out of me and I crib about how life is tough, or I chin up.( Wow, +1 for mental health :))
3) My future and the ANNOYING UNCERTAINTY WHICH ACCOMPANIES IT- I think we all are uncertain sometimes, aren't we? When I read the stories of people who literally rose from rags to riches, or worked hard to increase their already established worth; and then compare them to myself, I cannot help but feel insignificant. I do not know what I want to be when I grow up, however the general idea is that I should become a doctor as I am preparing to become one. I'm in mixed minds as I have plethora of interests, other careers I would rather pursue, but then again this doesn't seem that bad either. It's hard to study when you aren't even sure if you want to continue. Sometimes I think so much that my brain begins to hurt, I go sleep and then I am unproductive for the entire day. It's been happening a lot these days. Yoga doesn't really cut it for me, I actually end up sleeping. The fact that I do not know what to do next or I'm stagnating and not achieving anything is extremely frustrating. I am not used to being this useless. I was told that I'm overthinking, I need to rest, and that I'm focussing on things that I cannot control. While the aforementioned things stand true, I cannot help but again wonder that if I make the wrong decisions now, who knows what obstacles I will have to overcome to correct those wrongs? This is wrong. I know its my age to be uncertain and frustrated that I do not have a purpose, but its wrong. I do not know how, it just is. (-100 for mental health at this point here.)
4)Global Warming- Don't ask me why this is here. I do not know this myself. I do know that I become an ultra snowflake when it comes to this. I do not know why. This wasn't stressing me as much as my career uncertainty was, but something about the current environmental scenario and the so called activism certainly doesn't please me. (Not calling out names, but if you know, you know :))
5)My situation- I'm not complaining about having to sit at home. I did not have much of a social life to begin with anyway, but when you see your buddies chilling out ( I am 16 yet I have never been to a social 'that-kind-of' party. I keep consoling myself its the western culture and you don't really need to be doing these things at your age.), doing new things, bonding with people and moving ahead in life, you cannot help but get super duper jealous of them. Yes, I get super duper jealous very fast, cannot and will not help it. It helps me think that all the sacrifices I make now will certainly pay off handsomely in the future. Then again I am reminded of the time when I once tried to reason with my mom to buy me cup noodles. ( It has to be Nissin Manchow or you and I are no more friends.) She kept saying how unhealthy they were and that she'd rather have me eat instant noodles, I kept rebutting saying that life is too short for worrying about the ill effects of cup noodles and how I feel lazy sometimes to make noodles. (Comeon, I know you feel lazy too,nothing to hide here). I do not know why the 'life-is-too-short' quote struck me at a noodle debate, but I think here it is somewhat applicable.
Stop wondering who won the argument. Do I need to tell you that?
I began my new year on a healthy note with completing some sums of fluid mechanics and not ordering take out food. I would not go into details, but while solving all I could think about how others were enjoying and how stuck I was. I'm glad I solved it as it helped me in my tests yet I wish I was a bit more consistent in my work and didn't have to rely on the teacher literally pleading us to solve our homework. ( thank you sir, you're the best though.)
I binge on anime and other genres and reddit a lot. I exercise like a crazy fanatic once I begin, doing that 'pushing-all-boundaries' thing. I have decided to blame my genetics and food habits for my athletic failures. I really convince myself to read a non educational book once in a while, but I know that once I begin, I sit for 5-6 hours on stretch which isn't very advisable for a study oriented student. Since several months, I can actually feel my brain having its own mini vacation as if its on auto pilot mode (which delightfully bounces back to an overwork phase when not needed and vice versa:))
I have been vibing to a lot of songs these days. From laughing to crying, the songs just amplify and dramatize my emotions to a whole new level. As someone must have wisely said, '' What is life without drama?'' ( Okay I wrote an entire entry on this one, not going to nag anymore.) Don't really expect me to talk about dating aspects, I feel they are pretty useless at this point. (No this is not an excuse)
Okay, enough about me, because I realised till now, its all about me ranting away to glory about my problems.I could go on and on, but I think you have your fair share of problems and unlike me, you're actually either aware and dealing with them or are seeking help. It isn't surprising that one of my friends named me Ananya Pandey as my Snap name. ( no offense meant, infact I do not appreciate nor approve of that usage either.)
I did not make any new year resolutions, as I argue that every new day or hour is a new beginning, why wait for the earth to complete revolving once to begin what you have set your mind up for? Isn't that an excuse? If you sincerely wanted to do it, you would be doing it right now instead of reading this entry of mine :)
I understand that this particular entry was a bit different from my previous entries, with no mentions of layman cuties and Billy, but I think changing the tone of the entry from time to time is, cute? ( could not really think of an adjective, like most teenagers, cute came to my mind. ) I could discuss the silly world expansion theories I have, or the political arguments I have with myself, or maybe the weirder scenarios I make up in my mind (wrote on this too)I could discuss philosophies, give my nonchalant opinion on unimportant things but this time, I chose to be a little less weird. Its beautiful being a nutcase, I tell you.
By the way, the word was lackadaisical if you were wondering. If you were not, go read the first paragraph again :/
I think I'm going to go curl up with a nice book in my rug.
PS. I do not like winter at all. I am 100% a summer person. Yes, Mumbai has cold winters. I hate dry maggi noodles. It is meant to be soupy, or like my dry maggi enemies say, 'rasam-like'. Papad is the best.
Here's a quote to end it for this day-
"carpe diem!"
(seize the day)
