Hello World.
Take a deep breath firstly. (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)
Cutting to the chase here- Is there anyone who has it all? There is a know-it-all person, a wealthy person, a well maintained relationships person, a satiated person, an undying thirst for knowledge and experience person, a successful person, a free from restrictions person :P and so on, you know the flow and what I mean.
But is there someone who has it all? If there is, then does that person feel any struggle or hurt? Was this person born with a silver spoon?
I think what I'm trying to push here is, is it okay to be jealous of a person who looks like they have it all? Me and a friend of mine were talking on topics surrounding this and it got me thinking. Later, I get angry on myself and try practicing gratitude, being thankful for whatever I have, you know the classic Rhonda Bryne thing. But doesn't one stagnate when they're satisfied with everything in life? I mean to say that if a person thinks they have it all, why would they strive for more?
I decided to shut down some social media accounts, since I really felt toxic. Before having begun feeling like this I always thought this was a privileged emotion, that someone really has to be that lazy and jobless to even feel such emotions, and my pea sized brain would always associate it with unproductive individuals ( which I am a part of now.) Its not that social media is necessarily toxic, and I'm not here to lecture you about the evils of social media (evil laughs hahaha) I did occasionally glance through the accounts of beautifully positive individuals, how spiritually calming their presence was, how infectious their giggling is, and how I envy them for taking care of themselves like that. No I'm NOT talking about crushes, I'm genuinely talking about people who are at peace with themselves, who do not divide their mind into multiple sections and start a war amongst them, who do not let the chaos consume them.
Okay, I'm really going to stop the description now because it sounds like I am writing a fiction book or some mumbo jumbo on how to find peace in life. Can you really find your true purpose by reading those books? I don't think I can, I begin and come back to my same wicked ways a few days later. It's like the universe is pranking me by saying, '' don't get so excited; just give it a few days sweetie, we'll see who is strong willed :)''
Nowadays, I am prone to doing a lot of cliché things that I would at the initial beginning of my puberty associate with spoilt useless brats. I began having these violent mood swings, where at one point I am so ecstatic people could call me crazy, and then the very next second I am having those ' no-one-loves-me' thoughts. ( I know it is not true but somehow my mind plays tricks on itself.
I also read about this interesting activity the youth participate in, where they make up these situations in their head where their loved ones are hurting them by breaking their trust, betraying them and they being the bigger person and forgiving them. Okay, I am guilty in indulging in these weird acts too. It gives me something, I do not know the exact term for it, but.
I am going to leave it at but.
One day, I was sitting in the car, travelling back home after having arrived from Goa. (They did my RTPCR testing and that was so scary :( )
I looked outside the window. Calm big round full moon among the few weakly shining stars in the dark blue sky. It felt as if the world around me did not exist. It is a good thing I do not get motion sickness anymore 😂👌🏽 For some reason, peeping out of the window towards the infinite sky makes me question my life and some real soul searching takes place. I never want that illusion to end. In my mind, I am alone.
I am not really sure of what to make of the last line I just blurted out.
I feel this interesting kind of loneliness. I call it interesting because the thoughts which race in my mind intrigue me. I seldom had this level of loneliness.
I might not enjoy a rave party with strangers but the fact that I haven't experienced many things that people my age do, has some what surmounted to this massive mountain of an inferiority complex. I also have begun experiencing this rebel complex, something which has been disturbing me lately as I (used to) highly look down upon people who give their care givers unnecessary tension. I might not enjoy a rave party but the fact that someone is already trying to drill that notion into my head without me experiencing it by saying things like, ''look I know you are not going to enjoy this, so why would you want to waste your time on petty meaningless things like these?''
As I write that sentence, I realize a lot of things are similarly drilled into my head. It is a difficult job indeed to let go and un learn this rigidity, its definitely a work in progress.
I just have one question, why?
Why would you want to rob someone of those experiences? They might feel regret later on, but would they not satisfy this burning curiosity within them? ( not sure if this exists anymore in people, I'm just losing my faith as the day passes by) I understand these are such kiddish emotions of jealousy and envy of others, but.
I just want to be happy. Is it so much to ask for?
A lot of negativity in my life has been the indirect reaction of other people's emotions. I think of all bad things a person did to me, and I just wonder, what did I do to deserve this? Did I really deserve this? Is my life going to be so bad all the time? I am good to everyone, why are they not good to me back? Why are they not investing that time and energy in me that I do? Is not life all about give and take, balance, karma?
Has this balance died out?
A lot isn't happening in my life as of now, so I apologize incase you came looking for a silly goofy light hearted story. My life feels stuck and stagnant. The clock ticks away, we inch closer to death, we just want to pass the day, just get it done with, without having had achieved anything, feeling like a loser when going to bed, crying to absolutely no one, talking to ourselves, doing absurd behavior. snapping out on others, nonchalantly going about our day doing nothing and acting as if nothing is wrong, thinking why is this happening to me, refusing to comply to the things expected out of us, not catching up with important things on purpose, distracting yourself with things/people to avoid sorting your mess out?
I kind of am disappointed with myself. I really thought I was better than these things people do in life. My friend keeps teasing me at whatever chance she gets- ''stupid people fall for stupid people''. I shrug it off all the time, silly girl, but there might be some truth to it. Not just people per se, it could be altered to encompass a wide variety of things. Its like stupid person magnet attracts stupid things, situations, people and so on.
I do not wish to die like this, ( I do not wish to die at all, the thought that we all are mortals scares me everyday. ) without having achieved at least some great things, or better, things on my bucket list :P
Ou! I remember talking about bucket lists and YOU SHOULD MAKE ONE! It has been a long time since I continued crossing things off my list:(
let me just slide in some PG13 wishes I have on my list-
1)Play paintball. ( Yes, I just like to shoot people. )
2) visit a concert WITHOUT SUPERVISION. ( or with, I don't really care, it would be nice to have some friends along with though.
3) solve all sides of a Rubik's cube! ( I am so ashamed of myself, but I can solve one side :((( )
4) be at a Halloween party. ( Because I am a Scorpio by zodiac, and by common notion we all Scorpios are vindictive witches and can do black magic and wear a skull necklace ok sorry I got too descriptive.
5)Travel internationally ALONE.
6) learn football again. ( Very Long story. It's one of those ''i-know-you-will-not-like-it-so-why-bother'' situation fighting against again. Lets just say my Chelsea boys know how to kick some balls :3)
7) one nice party dang it pls.
A lot of these things might sound childish, but I am a child. ^_^''.
I know we should be thankful for the things we have, ''there is everything for a man's need and not his greed'', ''needs are limited, wants are endless''( this one is straight out of my economics textbook, they made us write so much I memorized them unwittingly.), we always feel the grass is greener on the other side.
I spoke to a person about this, he said the problem is that you are always looking at things which you perceive are idealistic, you are always seeing the 'greener' side. You do not realize how better you are than most people. He said ''go, sit in a library. You will find all sorts of people there. ''
But it keeps poking me, '' I know I can be better. I just need to know how.'' No book or person can teach me or help me, I need to be strong for myself I guess. We all should be.
I thought maybe if I delete my social media ,I can stop focusing on useless materialistic or emotional pleasures others possess or just give my brain a damn break from all the replying, commenting and scrolling.
Another interesting thing to note is that the people I was talking about, mostly influencers, seemed to have pretty much anything anyone could ask for. I'm not against them or blaming them for anything, but preaching about positivity, growth, inner happiness seems really easy when your life is sorted, you have achieved the things you wanted and you view life with rosy tinted glasses. ( I wanted to write rosy tinted cheeks because they sound cute but it would not have really made sense so I'm just mentioning it here so incase you felt rosy tinted cheeks would have been a better choice of words here, you and I are vibing mate. )
Maybe I'm just sad, Maybe I'm just envious and jealous, Maybe I'm just straying from my path for sometime. Maybe I'm just depressed ( I pray not since I am such a happy soul :((( ), Maybe I'm just going crazy because of current situation ( I think this one is highly unlikely as my life sans this would have still been the same. It was anyway. )
Here's a quote to end it for this day-
All I know is I don't know nothing:)
Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelt word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?
