Hello World.
Take a deep breath firstly. (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)
It's a good thing I didn't go ahead with my plan of shutting down my bloggu. I thought that I am in a happier state of mind now, and you all know this was just a means for me to vent off, or show off my (limited) knowledge in a non-bragging way. But off-late, I cannot come out of vicious mental cycles, some out of control, some purposefully being deployed to torture myself. The fact that I keep thinking that maybe I am meant for greater things, that I have a 'purpose' perhaps some soulmate or a twin flame in some corner of the globe ( or outside the globe ;-) ), that I am a bit more aware than other people, has only resulted in me going through several purgatory experiences. I am becoming weaker, physically, mentally, and perhaps, spiritually as well. I feel exhausted all the time and seldom do I engage in activities. I realize at this point I'm just vomiting a summary of my entire blog's content but hear me out.
I did go to a swag party. I had tons and tons and tons of fun. We ate, we danced, we all connected. Every part of my body ached for days because of that freakshow dancing I did. No one seemed to care who was dancing how. We all just kept bouncing off to the music and the lights. Oh, the lights. I think I had more fun there than I would ever in a club.
But I still feel empty.
I keep catching myself asking the same question repeatedly, why am I living and how is one supposed to live?
How is one supposed to live? How is one supposed to control factors which they cannot? How do I know what I don't know? How do I know why am I like this?
I feel so old most of the time. So old. It doesn't help that my birthday is in a few days. I am not against aging. But I feel way older than I feel I should. I don't like it. It's not even that I feel like a young adult. I feel like an old woman already in her 60s. Sometimes I can tap back into my playful cherubic mode, but most of the time, I am just thinking.
Thinking about what? Well many things. Sometimes about how we all know that our current living styles damage the environment and we are just, well. Sometimes it's about money. Perhaps so and so equity would fetch me more money, perhaps that fund will give me good returns on a lesser expense ratio. Why are we paying so much tax on insurance when basically they just return you the assured sum after a long time? What about inflation? Why do we spend on unnecessary things? Sometimes it is about my health. I can't blame the pandemic, because I am responsible for my health right? I feel so exhausted when I wake up, I feel unfulfilled when I am sleeping, I feel aimless when I am awake and I feel as if I am trying to please someone. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes I worry about people I care for. I just need to keep my brain going on, and on. I need it to keep working. It has slacked off enough.
I try. It is not that I don't. I try so hard to stay happy. I try to laugh, in fact sometimes when I am crying I do what Captain Holt said '' According to a recent study, the physical act of smiling can improve your mood. '' It's like, am I the only one who is feeling emotions on such an extreme level? What do I know about the extremity of emotions? Perhaps everyone goes through the same, feels the same, just they happen to be stronger than me in coping?
Every day, it's just, so hard. So hard to get out of bed, so hard to do my daily things, so hard to just interact with someone. Everyone keeps telling me that Scorpios are the biggest fighter cocks on this planet, but I don't want to. Maybe I am not a fighter. Maybe I am a bad orator, an even worse debater. Maybe I am not verbose, and maybe I don't possess the ability to think intellectually. Maybe I have a huge ego that needs constant external validation, which, is currently starved off, since I haven't been doing praiseworthy work. I was reading a book touching on the life and death issue, a light-hearted one.
I keep, trying to get the reward first, and not do my job. I keep getting jealous and sulky of kids who get their reward and do their job. I am unable to be happy for anyone. I keep somehow getting into all sorts of arguments. Some part of my body is always sleeping, it's difficult for me to walk sometimes. ( I googled the condition its apparently called a Charley Horse, quite a cute name for something so painful and tortuous.) Sometimes, I just fall towards one side and balance myself on the wall, thinking.
Am I in a movie? Am I an actress? Should I be an actress?
After having failed in a house conflict, I was staring outside the window and I saw a little girl, lying on the slide in the playground. Just lying aimlessly, staring at the sky, and making her hands in such a gesture as if she was clicking photos of the sky. I was jealous, I won't hide. I am just going to blame my surge of emotional crises on the Scorpio season. ( yes because it is easier to blame my problems on things that cannot be held accountable.)
Everything makes me sad. Everyone makes me sad. Everything seems boring. I was sent to an ' Anger Management Workshop' in third grade, from which the only thing I remember is that the sandwiches were yummy and that the juice needed more sugar.
I saw a social media story about a kid playing with a dog, a cute Shih Tzu, I was jealous.
I am unable to enjoy the joys of life. I seem to be lost and aloof during merrymaking, and seem to be longing for some when I watch others do so. I don't know how to make myself happy.
I seem to be thinking a lot, but I don't seem to be thinking straight.
When I try to detach from people, I am branded as a selfish person. When I fail to detach, I am labeled as obsessed. Could be true.
Today, I looked myself in the mirror and sang Madonna's ''Crazy For you''
'' ...........And I know its true, I'm crazy crazy crazy for youuuuuu.''
It made me happy for some time. And then I went back to my mundane life. It's like I'm temporarily happy for some time. My perennial state of mind is sadness. It's like I don't know how to remain happy.
I could say making pancakes without anyone's help could be an achievement.
Oh, and I FLEW SOLO from Goa to Mumbai. This nutcase is a big girl now.<3
Here, learning time-
'' When you fail, people won't ask your reasons. They will look at the failure, sigh, and move on. The failure only stays with you. ''
Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?
