Fifth Musing- Recent Reflections Within.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath firstly.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

As I was solving my never-ending MCQ monster test, the site crashed. This gave me a quick moment to get distracted by the two snails slugging away in the soil of my plant pot. Treading their slimy path slowly, without a care in the world, without the relevance of time, with their main aim probably being making more snail babies or eating more leaves. Simple lives, simple aims and simple easy deaths as well. Later on at night, I ate some noodles while looking at the sky intently trying to find a star, which I could not, and sat near my window-sill as the rain poured as the snails continued slugging away.

My mind keeps hula hooping between jealousy and gratitude, for as I am jealous of their lives, I am grateful for having the power to carve my own destiny ( which at the moment I don't think currently I'm doing a great job at, but I trust the Universe will ensure I end up doing something good. :))

There are a few changes I've made in my life, which each time I enact, I have to consciously remind myself- I have one life. What's the worst that could happen? The person will write a hateful reply, the teacher will scold you, your mom will not allow you to go to that friend's house, your friends will ignore you, you know the flow and what I mean.

I have become quite the champion and go-to kid for people who want to ask questions that might jump in the risky category.

Wait hold-on, my point is, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, I guess.

My newest obsession has been to be a better version of myself, and somehow I hope that will help me study better. Do you know what 'That girl' is? I think its a less targeted version of a VSCO girl, only difference is maybe you don't do every single thing for the gram.

I am not alien to veganism, but I've always admired and been fascinated by them. For most of those who know me, I've always been a preaching/rant machine about vegetarianism ( I think veganism is an extreme step because you would have to buy costlier alternatives and you can't have your whim and fancies when you're living under your parents roof :3) I did somehow manage to be a vegetarian for a year. Pandemic made it easier to remain one, since for a good amount of time my mom was scared to order anything from outside. 

I failed later on, got me some barbecue chicken :(, but I am actively trying my best. I have this 'I-want-to-keep-my-body-clean' goal in my head, yet that doesn't stop me from eating noodles at odd hours of the day. I do tune into Radhi's videos on YouTube occasionally, I may not be able to follow what she says but she is just. so. lovable. She radiates like a bright sun and just seeing her makes me happy. 
I have begun this practice this habit of complimenting people only when I truly mean it. I wish my words to carry weight and I want to say things like 100 percent meaning them. 

I've also been trying to erase my existence digitally but then someone wise once told me something, I do not remember the exact words but it was similar to moderation is the key. I was also told a lot that I do not credit myself enough, appreciate myself, or really downplay myself. I realized there is a difference in degrading your self-worth and being humbly down to earth. I did not understand when the lines between the two starkly effective concepts blurred.

I haven't had a glow-up, improvement or new change in a year and now that scares me. I know it is all in my hands, but I feel like the person who is standing with one foot in a different boat. I did, get a really swag haircut, which the moment I got it, went like '' why did I not get this sooner?", "where had this haircut been for the rest of my life!'' I did have this small craving of getting tattoos and long manicured nails with cute nail polish, but then I realized they aren't what I truly wanted, it was just something kids my age are doing. They look nice in them. I don't think I could ever keep my nails so long, I mean how can you study, wash your hair without breaking it, do your dishes or hang your clothes to dry, or do literally anything else with such long nails? It looks nice on them, but the upkeep must surely be draining. The cost of getting them done would be a lot. Those tongue and belly button piercings really scare me. Imagine eating with that tongue. Tattoos must be so painful! I've been drilled with the idea that hair color will damage my hair, this may be true as I have seen a lot of people who have colored their hair end up damaging it. I would still like to try it one day though. I have one life. Maybe a bold crazy color once I grow up. 

Pretty ironic considering how much I am fearful of the fact that I grow old as each second passes. I was pointed out that I am ruining my present, fearing my future and carrying my prejudices from the past. Then again, I'm faring better than most people in life right? Should that suffice though? 

I started meditating. Those on my Snapchat close friends list, know the struggle :'')

I gave up after a week, my hyperactive self could not tolerate sitting in a single spot for more than 5 minutes. I learnt a lot of things, even sitting properly and focusing on my breathing were difficult for me and I would think literally the most useless things on the face of this planet. 

I am not able to answer when anyone asks me a question about myself. I feel no psychometric test or personality test will be able to tell me what I am, ( though the Sorting Hat gives me Slytherin all the time) because I do not know myself. I think the easiest way to put it in words is that I am constantly changing. I do not wish to be recognized as an introvert or an extrovert. Ambivert could vaguely describe me though. I think I really buy the ''don't label things'' ideology sometimes. Of course, only when it suits my agenda and benefits me:) I have tried identifying my gender and sexual orientation as well having poked around asexuality, bisexuality and gender fluidity. I am a bit unclear on the progressive nature of gender fluidity, but its a work in progress. As of now I am comfortable as a she/her :3

A small discussion in my class about color inferiority was enough to remind me of my days when I would empty tubes and tubes of the now (finally) criticized skin  whitening tubes. They never really worked in my opinion. A compact powder did a better job at whitening me for an event than those tubes ever did. Again here, the lines between glowing clear skin and white skin had been blurred. I am very thankful that I don't have to face color slurs anymore. Not that they bother me, but sometimes I do wonder why did I, or anyone for a matter of fact had to go through that. Why was even that something to be shamed upon?

 I'm not trying to convert this blog into a snowflake activism movement but still if you look at it, the whole thing seems so silly, yet it was so influential on our minds. I do get a few gentle reminders now and then that brown color is inferior, but I brush them aside. 

I was speaking to someone personally close and it turned into a, let's say, bragging war. I began my list by stating the things I could do and sneered at the person by asking if they could do all this, they just bluntly replied with a '' at least I am fairer than you are.'' comment. I was quite baffled by this comment, and at that moment it felt like a smack on my face as that person was quite active on social media in the activism sector, promoting discussions about seemingly taboo topics or initiating projects on mental health and awareness and yet had the narrow mindedness to try to make me feel inferior by telling these things at my face. After analyzing the situation I understood how deeply rooted these things are in our psyches. Worse things happen, is what I say, laugh it off and move on.  

I realized I'm commitment phobic, and have sabotaging tendencies. Therefore, to all the boys whom I crushed upon, thankyou for not giving me my shot. I would have been in a worse place, had my foolish immaturity been reciprocated. Let us think that God used you all for my character development. For now I shall work upon myself, learn to love myself, also more importantly, make notes and study for my tests. In my quest to experience 'kicks and highs' (I did not do drugs or indulge in any vices) I forgot what peace of mind and my priorities were. I have also given up arguing on social media, or arguing in general. ( I'm not sure about MUNs, I mean I love them but I am scared of them, and nowadays the person who can scream the most wins. However, I will not deny that I've enjoyed some.)

I sometimes wonder why is it so easy for me to become so negative, and to a point, if I may, toxic, that it begins to affect my daily life? I am going to put my foot down this time and weed all 'em out. Huff puff :/ Okay I realize the maturity level in my posts has been declining, but then again I never took myself seriously so why should you? ( bad joke, been cracking them a lot.)

Am I becoming repetitive? It is possible since I had a bad writer's block. ( look at me, casually calling myself a writer.) 

Small realization: I may end up running out of things to talk about :(

I apologize if you did not learn anything new from this entry of mine, as I have always felt the need that you should learn something from everything, even though I describe this blog as something to be read when you have nothing else to do, describing it as a pass time reading material. 

Here's a quote to end it for this day-

"If you worry and think what others will think, what will the others think then?''

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelt word or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.