Sixth Musing- Panic! At The Top of my Head.

  Hello World.

Take a deep breath first.  (No, seriously do it. I'm waiting.)

I have absolutely no clue why I write this blog. To show that I'm alive, sort of. This is one of those things I'm going to laugh at looking back 10 years from now. I was cleaning my shelf and found this letter which I wrote to my future (current) self, meaning the nutcase after her 10th boards. The letter had the contents written -

" To the girl who has scored 98% (yes cool, I scored the reverse, 89.6),

I hope everyone is happy with the marks you have achieved and have made Mother proud. When nosy relatives and batchmates will ask about your scores you can proudly show off your mark sheet. You will be celebrating and finally, be able to do the things you've always wanted to do. (Not sure what that is though.) 

Lots of love, 

Nutcase(Pre-boards. ) "

Fun fact time? I don't even remember writing this letter.

I very well remember writing my stupid will though. Yes, the will you write when you're to die and you decide who is going to get what. As I write this, I am embarrassed as well as amused. I threw the letter and the will in the trash. 

Honestly, I'm flustered right now. 

A lot of lessons come through, none being concrete yet important. Growing up is so scary. I realized I value privacy more than I thought I did, so I dropped plans of monetizing this blog. (Hear that you corporate slaves?! I am not one of y'all :P) Decided to keep this as a small thing, something to be cherished later. 

Dramatizing emotions isn't as easy as you all take it to be. Just a few moments back I went to the window to see the sky and search for a star or the moon, but I could find neither. I didn't have my glasses on, so I was just staring at the sky like a blind bat. I got bored and wanted music but then that would've woken everyone up because I cannot use headphones or earphones. (Thank you, online classes, such a boon.) So, then I dropped my plans of staring at the sky and carefully tip-toed my way out. 

Kell's "why are you here" plays on a loop on my laptop as I write this entry of mine in darkness. (It's a good thing I am well-versed with the placement of the keys, unfortunately, I was dumb enough to assume my laptop would have a backlit keyboard in-built and I paid good money for this, so anyway. )

Life isn't all good, but certainly better than the stagnancy I was in sometime back. I still am stagnant, but my feet can wiggle a bit in the mud I'm stuck in. Ah, I wish I had unbelievable luck. Like I would fall in a ditch and stumble upon money? Or bananas? 

WHY DO BANANAS SOUND LIKE THE BETTER ALTERNATIVE.

  A few days back I was just drained to do any work, so I just did what I do best- sleep. 

So, I igloo-ed myself in my rug and was staring out the window. Again, I did not have my glasses on. I could make out a squirrel jumping on a tree. It was nibbling a leaf. So, I ignored my plans to sleep and decided to seriously observe the squirrel. 

Don't squirrels eat nuts? What was it doing nibbling leaves? Never mind (does a quick Google search to find out what squirrels eat)

I was going to write poetry in this entry, but then someone suggested that it could be monetized, not sure if I am a fan of that idea, no one would read my poetry, but since you came here to waste your time, can I entertain you with a few lines? 

A vegetable fell
and suffered a bruise.
Thrown in the trash,
not to be used.

Innocence is pure,
Morals are invaluable,
Spat the man on the street
Ignorance was the cure.

Okay, this is enough, it's just a huge compilation of random stanzas and I'm too lazy to put trigger warnings and what all might trigger you all, so I won't put the rest of the stanzas here. 

Can I ask you a question? Do you know how to live life? I am quite sure I must have missed some class where they would have taught stuff like this. Okay, ignore, being immature right now.

Currently, I have SO MUCH to do and catch up on in studies and upcoming exams, and here I am, writing on a page no one would read except me and my future kids (to mock me of course.) This doesn't stop me from obsessively combing my swag hair into order, the only thing in order in my life now. (self-depreciation jokes master here folks.) I read somewhere that confidence is hot.

Should I just delete all social media? But. I am conflicted as of now, I and multiple versions of Nutcases will sit down and do a round table conference on this. It's not that I am alone. Okay a lot of self-introspection and thinking to be done, which I will do privately. I'll keep this entry small since my hands are really paining from the arm workout I did today. It does make sense, I am not at all disciplined, I don't go (usually not allowed to, and when allowed to, I outright refuse) out much, and even when I was a fitness freak, I did not really focus on my arms, I did not want to bulk up because then my shirts would not fit me. (please insert a crying clown face here) 

Do y'all love me? 

I am not a cool kid. 

Wait hold on, before I sign off, you should leave this page having learned something new. 

Find a balance, I was told. Still trying to figure it out. One day at a time, one day at a time. 

Here's a quote to end it for this day-

''Everyone is meant to live a different life.'' (Sad writing this, since I could live like the KarJenners if this were not true :(( )

Note- By the way, I absolutely hate error or lack of flair in my writings so if you do come across a 'petty' spelling error, poor choice of words, a misspelled word, or a wrongly placed period or a comma, do let me know as I would highly appreciate it! If you have suggestions on how I could do better, keep them to yourself because this wouldn't be a nutcase's musing then, would it?

Until next time and further on my darlings, be nutcase-worthy.

Yours,

The Scintillating Nutcase.